Better a broken engagement than a broken marriage


How is Naimat* now, been a while? I asked

She dey oh, replied Halimah*

Shey she don finally do her Nikkah, I asked. To this I got a smile from Halimah and Julia*

Wetin happen now, I thought she was engaged and planning her wedding, I said

Ring wey she don throwey give the guy, Halima said with a straight face.
That shut me up and I needed no more information. For whatever reason, she called off the relationship, I admire Naimat’s courage.

Our gist continued to Halimah’s sister who is also Naimat’s friend. I found out that Jumai*, Halimah sister had ended her less than 2 years marriage. Jumai is just 26 year old with a child and now a separated from her hus. Halimah went on to tell how Jumai’s husband and family maltreated her, she was also physically abused. Jumai never told anyone until the day she could take it no longer. She left her husband’s family house along with her daugther without a pin dead in the night and the man has since returned to the US where he was based before they met and got married.

I talked about how I would rather break up an engagement than go ahead to waste my time and money to end up with a broken home. Julia disagreed with my opinion that in our society it is better to go ahead with the wedding even with doubt in mind and maybe get divorced after a child or two.

Funny how my mother also shares Julia’s opinion, Julia went ahead to say the society respects a former Mrs than a forever Miss who never made it to the altar.

As far as I can remember, I have never wanted to get married before the age of 30. It is really not a miss independent thingy, it was just this thought that creeped into my brain as a kid and I must say at the rate I am going, marriage will not be on my card before then. I remember telling my cousins about this decision of mine and they all decided to cast and bind the evil spirit of late marriage from my life.  When I made this decision, I really had no exact reason for it but nowadays when I sit back and think about it, I always knew I would not be ready for marriage before that age.

I wish a lot of people would just be true to themselves rather let society dictate to them, why not just make that decision to settle down in whenever they are emotionally ready for the next step.

*Not their real names

♥ Lara 


'Lara A

A Nigerian amateur photographer's personal blog on travels, books and all this that runs through this little head of mine...I am adventurous, open minded and a goal-getter.

25 comments:

  1. I approve d message. No marriage anytime soon if ever. Still thinking about it.

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  2. Simple. That is why courtship is encouraged. And it should be a period of reality; taking time to know everything about the spouse and deciding if you are fine with them. Marriage is purposed for a life-time and must not be gooten into in error!

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  3. the rate @ which marriages are dissolved in our days is alarming. still makes me shiver but i know i'm gonna have a fanatastic marriage.

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  4. hmmm......marriage is not a bed of roses one must realy be ready mentally and emotionally for it...and i'l rather a broken engagement than a broken marriage.

    Society is not kind to single women, in the same vein they are also very judgemental of divorced women

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  5. Totally agree with you, though a part of me understands your friend's and mum's take, this our society can be funny like that when it comes to marriage. It is when more people agree to follow their own inner mind that change might come.

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  6. Hmmm, i daresay a successful marriage is not dependent on age, maturity or even length of courtship rather, on shared commitments & values.

    That been said, a broken relationship is absolutely much better than a broken marriage.

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  7. i totally agree with you...

    Better a broken relationship than a broken marriage

    Fuck the society, they were not there when you started, why should they matter when you end?

    Do what makes you happy.

    Your sanity is paramount

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  8. Better a broken relationship than a broken marriage. There are times that we should not allow society to dictate for us because whichever way the scale tips society will not be supportive. So do what works for you.

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  9. You are so right!
    "society respects a former Mrs than a forever Miss who never made it to the altar."<----The way some people think, mehn na wa o

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  10. Funny how people think but I can kind of see the weird logic in Naija society. Totally agree with you though. Funny...these days, I'm actually anti-marriage. Reason being it is an outdated concept. No one needs a piece of paper and a ring to show commitment in a relationship. Can't imagine any reason for marriage apart from 'respectability' and keeping so called 'bastards' out when the man knows he's been dirtier than a dog (which is why people would rather go ahead with doubts in their mind).

    And that blasted ring...(did you see the hilarious video on Myne's blog?) The piece of paper that says I'm entitled to your goods, should you suddenly fall off a cliff and your family truly believe I did not kill you, my dear oko/iyawo. And we know that hell will freeze over before they believe any such thing. So marriage does not even protect anyone in that way within the naija context. Which begs the question: why are people obsessed with marriage? False respectability. Period.

    Sorry for the epistle jare, Lara. I've been reflecting on the issue for a while.

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    Replies
    1. I was not able to watch the video oh but I have heard so much about it...Nigerians are just obsessed about the wrong things...I do not mind the epistle rara, I am glad to read your thoughts.

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  11. Can you imagine? So 'society' would rather see you go into an abusive marriage that would lead to divorce, than let remain single and have peace of mind? What a warped mindset.

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  12. blessings....
    ending a relationship of any kind is not easy. A love relationship is so challenging but it takes tremendous courage to end it if it is about honoring yourself and understanding your worth.

    I tend to agree that is better to end things before the marriage than after. Though even in doing so, it makes it no easier to do and no less painful.

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  13. One day, some people's hypocrisy will kill them and they wouldn't be able to save themselves. I hate it when people allow the society to dictate to them. I mean, is it the society that will come to bear the brunt when the decision goes wrong? Haba, this is simple arithmetic, consider your options well before going into marriage. A broken engagement is just a lot better than a broken marriage. Taints come with the latter when something goes wrong with it.

    http://josephomotayo.blogspot.com/2013/02/lagostraffic-many-voices-one-memory-1.html

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  14. This was so right! I actually had to share this with a friend who was/is going through it to encourage her. Not every relationship was made to last. Thank you for this!

    Kimberly
    KIMBERLYLUXE.COM

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  15. I subscribe. It's usually the courage to break up that is lacking.

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  16. Marriages and society approcco...hmm

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  17. Hmmm, this is the conversation I conveniently avoided some minutes ago.

    Most people who read your blog will agree with you. But most people in our society will go ahead. Its ridiculous how many girls I know at home that want to marry by fire by force just to be Mrs. And no one will hear what after the Mrs. then Mama title.

    Our culture can make people delusional.

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  18. amazing post xxx
    www.islandchic77.com

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  19. Why do we care so much about society and whether society approves what we do, say, eat and think? Life is too short. I think the only people that we need to please are ourselves and God. Parents and friends are not going to live with you in your matrimonial home. Society will still be the same 'people' who will gossip about you when you get divorced after been beaten black and blue. If you love him and he loves you and you are both ready emotionally and materially if that's important to you, get married. If there's doubt, the person will be silly to go ahead.
    I wonder when we'll stop letting society's warped ideas about everything rule us.

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  20. Better a single former Mrs than a single never Mrs does have its weird merits. I dont wish a failed romance/marriage/relationship on anyone male or female but...I can imagine this as a contract. I mean people do it for papers/visa etc. So I sign the marriage contract with this guy (who has been vetted for reasonably healthy genes), I have a baby or two and we amicably divorce. I have my babies and 'respectability', he has his freedom. Peace!

    Better than single mom, better than sperm donor without a name. respectability for the kids. Sounds tempting.

    Disclaimer: I admit i am high on ice cream, anything i write here may not be used in court against me. Amen.

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha...I love this, blame the ice cream.

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